snowballing of life

co·nun·drum/kəˈnəndrəm/Noun

1. A confusing and difficult problem or question.

All my life is on me now, hail the pages turning
And the future is on the bound, hell don’t know my fury
You’re all I need, you’re all I need, you’re all I need
You’re all I need, You’re all I need, you’re all I need
Youre all I need - and maybe some faith would
Do me good
I don’t know what I’m doing, don’t know should I
Change my mind, I can’t decide, there’s too many
Variations to consider
No thing I do don’t do no thing but bring me
More to do, It’s true, I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that it’s all gonna be alright
I believe that it isn’t. 

Lately, I’ve noticed more of my friends getting into serious relationships, or should I say jumpinginto them.  What’s the big deal? Nothing really, expect the people in relationships now, use to live the crazy, never gonna settle down motto type of life.  When asked why they chose to settle down, a majority have told me they are afraid of ending up alone or having to go to gatherings or parties and be the only one without a significant other.  Having a different version of my late teens and early twenties I’ve always seen myself as an observer, fly on the wall, sometimes even an outsider to the single party.  I’ve never had the stereotypical single life which from beer commercials, magazines, movies and tv consists of casual sex with strangers, late night booty call texts, making out with strangers in clubs, etc.  I’ve been on the other side of the fence, I’ve been the friend people come to when they are dating someone or in a relationship and need advice, or even more funny the how to keep the guy questions.  Which I’ve always found dumbfounding?  I’m learning as I go here too, the length of a relationship doesn’t mean the couple have all the answers.  But I digress.

What I don’t understand is this NEED to be in a relationship or have a significant other.  This might sound strange coming from me, someone who has been in a relationship for over six years but I’ve always thought this and the older I get the more I see most everyone feels like this, it’s not just my friends.  What’s sad and usually frustrating is (surprise, surprise) it is usually women that put the priority on finding a partner. Why? This is something I don’t understand and probably never will.  What’s even more frustrating is it’s every age group, not just mine.

I see more women settling when they can do so much better, just so they won’t be alone?  Is this worth it?  I’ve tried to think and evaluate myself and try to understand the other side.  I still don’t understand it.  Is it really worth it to put your career goals, family, friends to the side so you can focus all your energy on this one person, on making them happy.  Unless it’s my child, no.  Is it really worth it to be with someone who is bringing you down just so you can say this is my “boyfriend/girlfriend.”  I love my boyfriend, he’s my first love and we’ve been with each other through deaths, new births, marriages, family problems, school, life goals but it’s just something I can’t do.  Luckily I’ve found a partner who can understand this.  

As a friend, what do I do? Tell the person they can do better or just pretend to be happy for them?  If anything my recent life lessons and self discovery have taught me, everyone has to go their own path and I can’t help them as much as I want to, the person can hopefully discover them self and realize they are better than what they put up with or who they chose to be with.  Unfortunately, I’ve distanced myself greatly and I’ve found myself mourning what the friendship use to be because looking to the future, I’m afraid of what our friendship might become.

We are all alone, born alone, die alone, and — in spite of True Romance magazines — we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way. I do not say lonely — at least, not all the time — but essentially, and finally, alone. This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.

-Hunter S. Thompson

I am going away for a while 
But I’ll be back don’t try and follow me 
‘Cause I’ll return as soon as possible 
See I’m trying to find my place 
And it might not be here where I feel safe 
We all learn to make mistakes 

And run from them, from them 
With no direction 
We’ll run from them, from them 
With no conviction 

‘Cause I’m just one of those ghosts 
Traveling endlessly 
Don’t need no roads 
In fact they follow me 
And we just go in circles 

Now I’m told that this is life 
And pain is just a simple compromise 
So we can get what we want out of it 
Would someone care to classify 

Our broken hearts and twisted minds 
So I can find someone to rely on 

And run to them, to them 
Full speed ahead 
Oh you are not useless 
We are just 

Misguided ghosts 
Traveling endlessly 
The ones we trusted the most 
Pushed us far away 

And there’s no one road 
We should not be the same 
But I’m just a ghost 
And still they echo me 

They echo me in circles